So I did it.. now what?

So i broke up with him yesterday...
i thought i could keep it together
and hide all of my feelings
just like ive been doing
but.. i kinda just kept running back to him
..it stormed last night
and i ended up texting him because i was scared
just like i used to 
all of my friends were so happy for me 
a part of me is happy
but i know he'll always be apart of me
i'm gonna miss that boy like hell
i really wish we could've worked out
because jacob murray was in a sense, the best boyfriend ive ever had
hopefully tonight will take my mind off of it. 

I finished a project in my color illustration class today..
i took a look at it and said,
'I cant wait to show jacob!'
Oh yeah...
yeah.. He would've been proud

It hurts so much... you know?
Coming from spending everyday with someone
literally
to going everyday from then on alone
you cant go to them with your problems
when your friends abandon you
Again
when your dad is being unfair
or when you simply just miss them 
you cant
youre alone now
im alone now
with no one to talk to

and when i check my phone to see if i got a text from him
and its blank
it just reminds me of what i ruined
we were so perfect
but i couldnt think things through
i just acted without thinking
and it cost me the most precious thing in the world to me

as i write this
im crying infront of everyone
in my third period class
but i dont fucking care
because on the inside im hurting
and im sorry
so sorry
for hurting you
for leaving you when i told you i never would 

I miss you
but like you said,
i know things will be better for us in the end
I just feel like dieing
like suiciding
like cutting
but i know thats not the answer

now i spend my days hyperventalating during class
knowing that you wont be there to greet me on the corner 
after the bell rings
knowing that ill be riding the bus home alone
knowing that the only thing ill have to cuddle is a teddy bear when i get home
knowing that right now
youre probably not even thinking about me

you'll get over me quicker than ill get over you
because this day in age
its easier for a white man to get a pretty girl of any race
than it is for a mixed girl to get an as fantastic of a white man..
like you

-Forgetting Sunday